Quote of the Day

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our config.sys settings. ~Dave Barry

May 23, 2013

No Thanks, We'll Be Just Fine



I have been blessed all week to witness advice from people who do not live here on how we should be doing things. People who live in places where a natural disaster is an excuse for violence and looting. People who live in places where attacks are a reason to further a “looking out for number one” attitude. People who have never even seen a tornado, who are content with a weather forecast that only contains a temperature and a graphic of sun or clouds. These people have advice for us, Oklahoma.

First, and most obviously, we should all move. Did you hear that, Tornado Alley? We need to gather our collective skirts and skedaddle. Yeah, right.

My favorite quote in favor of moving:

“These people live right on Tornado Road? Why would you ever choose to move to the road that tornadoes use?” Alley means road, right? Clearly this is a person of wisdom and we should all heed her words.




And lest we rush off to start packing right away, perhaps we should all take a moment to re-think our politics. In spite of the fact that our insurance policies have become more expensive, our doctors are quitting, and the quality of our healthcare is on the decline (though certainly to be made better soon; we all know how great the IRS is at being in charge of things), if we had only just accepted it. Then all the things would be better. For instance:

“How Many #Homes cud b re-blt in #Oklahoma w/money #GOP spent on #Defeat #Obamacare #Votes” (sic)
 

Of course, in the event our politics aren’t the problem, it could always be our Faith. Or our…uh…stance on global warming? All I know is that this man’s words are profound:

“Children need a book explaining why GOD punishises #Oklahoma & #Texas 4 pollution Not SF or VEGAS”(sic)
And let us not forget about how we should disregard the difficulties in having a basement in Oklahoma. Because obviously, we all think we’re Pecos Bill and can just lasso tornadoes. 

“If #Oklahoma has 2 much bedrock & aquafers 2 dig basement shelters, let the 7 US states running out of h2o pay 4 it in exchange 4 h2o” (sic) (*sigh)
Is she wanting to pay the “aquafers” or for the basements to be blasted? I don’t know, but…


I love Oklahoma. I’ve always been proud of the people in my state, and I am proud of them now. We stick together, we take care of our own. There is a reason we’re good people, and I believe a lot of that shows in our “backward” politics. You don’t have to like it, rest-of-America. You’re welcome to your opinion. And when I see you stand in front of an EF5 tornado and calmly explain to it how your politics preclude you from getting windy, I may even listen to you. But until then…



                                                                    

May 16, 2013

Kids: The Original Drama Queens

I am forever in awe of the difference between my kids' lists of Things That Are A Big Deal and my own list.

Mine has things on it like keeping the kids safe, living somewhere, electricity.

My kids have an entirely different worldview.

For instance, I just had this conversation with Donovan (age 5):

Donovan: :::full-on wailing and gnashing of teeth::: But I never get to do anything!

Me: Neither do I, because I'm so tired after staying up all night trying to get you to bed.

You get to use the Roku remote. :::more wailing:::

When you grow up and buy a Roku, you can use the remote as much as you want.

:::choking sobs and giant tears::: BUT I NEVER GROW UP! Every DAY, I never grow up! :::WHAAAHHHH:::::

Following is a partial list of Things That Are A Big Deal:
  • Where you sit in the car, worthy of extreme hollering and possible serious injury of a sibling or two.
  • Where you sit on the couch. Violence-worthy.
  • Who got the red popsicle. 
  • Where any given sibling's feet happen to be at any given moment.
  • Where any given sibling happens to be looking at any given moment.
  • Somebody ate a Frito.
  • Growing out of your shoes.
  • Not wearing leggings as pants - worthy of throwing all your real pants out a window.
  • Who your mom may be speaking with on the phone.
  • What your brother had for breakfast three weeks ago.
  • Cheeze-It flavors.

May 15, 2013

Feeeeeeelings

I read something good today. It reminded me.

Sometimes, I sort of look around at the heaping pile of Things I Can't Do. I think all of us have a pile like that. I sort this pile like laundry. There's the regular stuff. I can't train elephants. I can't drive two cars at once.

I should digress at this point and say that I did devise a plan that involved me driving one car as far as I'm willing to walk, walking back to the second car and driving it that much further, and so on. Brilliant, really. I wonder if it's legal.

Anyway, then there are the other Things I Can't Do. These are things that I could do if I had more time, energy, pain tolerance. Mow the lawn on a regular basis. Find a way to make my kids go to sleep. Volunteer at church or something.

There's another pile, and I don't know if it's any bigger than the others, but it sure feels that way. Cleaning until everything is clean. Finding socks. Keeping track of coats. Buying a decent car. Buying anything. Remembering to soak beans the night before. Catching up with 1700 emails from school and co-op. Groceries. Oh, groceries.

Basic things people do. I recently thought about putting signs all over my house for my kids to remind them to do things. Flush toilet. Close the fridge. Brush teeth/hair. Put socks on. Wear shoes. Eat. But then I realized I need signs for myself, too. Buy food. Cook it. Eat. Cars use gas. Pay for electricity. Last week, I spent an entire night awake because I was afraid I'd forget to go to work in the morning. True story.

I read that story and I remembered a time, a few years ago, when my story was quite similar. I'm not sure that things are better now than they were the day my neighbors were traipsing through my house in the tiny we used to live in, bargaining with me on kids' dressers and my beloved bookshelves. But it's getting better. I'm closer to better. The first time I had $20 of my own, I bought shelves. My own version of a hope chest, I guess, they hold books I have treasured almost my whole life. I rebelled against dressers for awhile, but I've given in. My kids all have one now.

To this day, I can't drive through that town with dry eyes. But today, I live in my hometown, and it's home. I have a job, and although I still treat it with care - afraid it will disappear with the smallest mistake, I'm slowly realizing that I just may be able to do this bread-winning thing. So, I guess it's better. I'm just as overwhelmed as I was that day, but being overwhelmed with kids, a house, a yard, a truck, and a job is better than being overwhelmed with losing those.

May 14, 2013

Not a Huge Fan of People, but They Can be Funny

If you don't watch the White House press conferences, you should start. I never get political on this blog - I will probably start. But that's not what this is about. This is about watching Jay Carney say the word "unfettered" enough times to make the word the number one trending topic on Twitter.

My favorite tweet of the day, "After listening to Jay Carney talk, I feel like I have been tarred and fettered."

I have just a touch of a sarcastic side. My 11 year old has found it buried deep within my usually sunny personality, and he has adopted it for his own.

He got a "Thunder Dip" ice cream cone tonight.
I asked him what flavor it was. He took a taste, considered, then said, "Westbrook."

Which should have been the end of his wit for the evening, because some children respect their mama and let her be the funniest person in the family, but some children just have to keep talking until they win.

We had this conversation:
(I should preface this by explaining that we've had some discussions about drugs in the past, and how it really is a problem everyone should be aware of. I was NOT doing drugs in middle school - and that's not sarcastic!)

Huston: Were you really offered drugs in middle school?

Me: Yes.

So, someone walked up to you and said, "Would you like to have a drug?"

Yeah, I think they said "Madame" first. "Madame, may I offer you a drug of any variety?"

In middle school?

Yes.

Did they ever try to steal your car?

I wasn't driving in middle school.

What about your covered wagon?

Yeah, all the time.

That sucks, they take forever to build. But really, you were offered drugs in middle school?

Yes, they had drugs in middle school.

I think you mean "elixir." They called them elixirs back then.




May 13, 2013

On Traveling with Children

In a follow-up to yesterday's post, wherein my sister reminded me of the tragic result of the other live show we saw, I thought I should give you guys my advice on traveling with your children. Now that I have done it once (with my own children, not yours), I am an expert.

To start with, we did see two shows in Branson. One was at the Sight &Sound Theater, and that was the expensive bathroom visit. The other one was at our hotel, and we chose the comedy, after being promised that it was family friendly.

It lived up to expectations except for the whole "family friendly" part. The very first thing that happened was that four entertainers (two men and two women) sang "Good Night." It is a song I have heard enough to know, but never really registered the lyrics.

Remember that awkward scene in Arrested Development when Michael and his niece pick "the first song in the book" for karaoke at the company Christmas party? And then they are halfway through "Afternoon Delight" before they realize what the lyrics to that song actually mean? Yeah, it was like that.

They slowed it down and sort of acted it out...and we were all squirming in our seats, thankful the kids were too young to really get it.

Then came the jokes. Some were only crude, which is offensive enough for me. I try so hard to teach my kids to be ladies and gentlemen, and there are already far too many people who teach them the opposite. Then came one of the "funny" songs. I'm not sure where, or really how,  it went wrong.

Something about having a cow that didn't give milk, until a rooster came along. Then they had egg nog.

Ok, mildly uncomfortable, but kind of funny.

The dog, previously bereft of motherhood, managed to have some bird dogs after that rooster came along.

Well, I guess this is one of those old camp songs or something, and I can get over the rooster impregnating everything in the yard. Until...

There was something about an aunt...

We were all holding our breath.

Then something about the rooster catching her behind the barn.

Really?

But "HAHA, everyone!" they changed the lyrics right-quick to "we're having fried rooster." So we were all relieved but still uncomfortable with the direction this was taking.

And then they continued the song. The aunt had to be put in a psychiatric facility, and maybe there was more after that, but I was so lost and confused that I can't really remember it exactly.

And lest you start to think you're accidentally reading the news right now, you're not. This is really what they were singing at a "family friendly comedy show."

It also happens to be the only part of any show that our children remember to this day, belting it wildly in the car everywhere we go. Thanks, Branson!

I do have a short list of travel tips, if you're still with me after hearing all of this scandal.
  1. Pack everything you need before you leave, and bring ALL of the suitcases. Under no circumstances are you to leave the most important one sitting at the front door, expecting a 10-year-old boy to remember to pick it up.
  2. Try out the in-room coffee before you get stuck in there the next morning, waiting three hours for your kids to wake up. Trust me. 
  3. When your children spend the ride home singing a questionable song about an amorous rooster, be very glad that they were too short to see the grown man on stage put his knees in his shirt in an imitation of Dolly Parton. As a matter of fact, don't go see that show at all.
  4. This is all I really learned.
  5. Steer clear of this guy:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/60/Rooster_portrait2.jpg
I hope this helps you.

May 12, 2013

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

That title has nothing to do with this post, other than it's been a couple months since I've written here, and I have a lot more miles on my truck now.

We went on a vacation in April. It was our first real family vacation ever. My sister, who also has six children (all still very young), went with us. When we started out for the road trip, one of her kids threw up. Because, why not? When we came home, an entirely different kid threw up. Just because if someone doesn't throw up in your car as you're leaving for a 6 hour road trip, you aren't really on vacation.

While we were there, we saw a show. This was another first. Taking six children to a real-live show is quite an experience. Imagine paying $300 to take kids to the bathroom for two hours.

Other than the expensive bathroom visits and the throwing up, it was a great trip.

I'm sure I've mentioned this, but we got another puppy. Her name is Eowyn, and she's a Great Dane. If anyone is wondering why I get dogs when I so clearly have too much to care for as it is, I will tell you. Every delivery guy who tries to walk onto my porch ends up running down the driveway, dropping packages as he goes. While that is pretty funny, I did not set out to terrify the UPS guy. But put a different guy in that scenario. See? Bad guys beware, my dogs will eat you.

Great Danes have a frightening bark. Eowyn, at only three months old, is already larger and scarier than Shucks. She is also a bad, bad, bad dog. You know how puppies are bad, and you have to teach them things? It's like that, only she is bigger than the kids and stronger than I. And she knows it.

My brother watched the dogs for us when we were gone. His first morning here, Shucks ran away in the rain, and Eowyn ate his dress shoes, when he was already late for work. He was not happy, but the dogs were thrilled. They both really like Mason.

We also have a parakeet. We did have two, Tweety and Shredder. We came home from mass one day to find Tweety singing happily (maniacally?) away, and Shredder dead at the bottom of the cage. I know she killed him - she's been so happy ever since. Of course we would get a murdery parakeet - anyone who gets past the dogs will have to deal with Tweety the Ripper.